I’ve written about this before but I really feel it deserves another go-round and this is my blog so I can write what I want! 🙂 I always felt that I was a pretty easy going person – I mean I have to have my own way and I want to do what I want, BUT I’ll try just about anything and I’ll even take risks.
I tend to get panicky when it comes to heights and my kids. I think this is about control, and for those that know me you can keep your comments to yourself! However, it wasn’t until my daughter got sick that I really began to understand what that felt like. That feeling of the walls closing in and total and complete panic coming over you in waves!
This summer we went to Mexico and I got pulled under by some waves. I was very close to shore and I felt it happen, I told myself to stay calm and not breath and I was out in probably 20 seconds. It was scary but not ‘never get back in the water’ scary. It happened I moved on.
Last Sunday I decided that Nic and I were heading to Six Flags. We have season passes and I really enjoy going. We got her wheel chair ready, threw some fruit in her lunch box and off we went. About 10 minutes into the travel (its about an hour drive) I started to panic. The What IFs took over. What if we had a flat tire, what if the world ended, you get the idea. The panic was so bad, I wanted to pull over and stop. I wanted to turn around and go home. All I could think about was how can I do this trip alone?!
This is what it’s like to have a child with a chronic illness. You live in constant fear of the what ifs. And the ones that manifest are never very realistic (at least in my world) but the fear is very real.
I took several deep breaths and kept driving, however it caused me to realize that I don’t do things because of this fear. A few years ago, I had planned on Nic and I taking a road trip and we didn’t go because I was going alone. I said I had to work, or something but the truth is I didn’t want to risk traveling alone with her.
Now mind you I have traveled alone a MILLION times, I travel for work, I love to drive but when it comes to taking her, nope I won’t do it. If I have her brother or another family member I am OK but if it’s just her and I the fear takes over.
I am learning to recognize this fear and to manage it, telling myself to breath helps. I can’t pretend the risk isn’t there, for us it’s higher than most. I have seen this first hand, but not living isn’t an option and having a travel buddy isn’t always an option either. So for now I will work to make sure my fear doesn’t stop her from doing the things she loves.